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James C.Ryan white feather icon

Sales Department.. A Great Day To Change Diapers


Are you OK?”  


Just as I finish my words, he pukes in my face, all the while; his running diaper is spilling onto my new Ralph Lauren button down shirt. I just bought this thing at a $100 a pop. Ruined I say.  I now start to panic a bit as I hear the twins starting to rustle and hustle in their room.  I’m out matched for sure. 


“Mick, what happened?”


“Are you alright?” I ask.


“Not phelling gud dad” mumbles little Mick.


He is covered with puke and diarrhea. The bed is soaked with piss as well. The walls are covered with a mix that is now staining the egg shell white walls a mix of brown, yellow, orange and a tint of charcoal. His clothes are ruined as are mine.


I have never seen anything like this before.  Having raised two children from a previous marriage, I thought I had this dad thing pretty well under control.  I am learning that I do not.


I grab the small blanket that looks to be the least damaged of the bunch, wipe myself down and wrap Mick in it as I race to the main bathroom on the second floor of our home. I know I gotta get this child and myself into the shower and cleaned up real fast. 


Oh, I have not mentioned the smell. Imagine a peat bog in 110 degree heat with 100% humidity that is surrounded by a 19th century septic system that is overflowing.  That is Mick.  The smell alone would make you sick.


As I dance down the hall towards the bathroom I hear the two older boys in their bedroom.


“Dad, help me” I hear James yell.


“Dad, I’m Sick” screams Jack.


“Dad” I hear in unison.


“Help” “Help”


“Stay where you are, I’m helping Mickey right now.”


“I will be right there” I tell the twins.


At this point, I know I am in way over my head.  I am in need of assistance; I am really in need of a high speed, stage left Snagglepuss exit! 

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